Comprehensive change reports. I want to know EXACTLY what is being added / taken away / changed on every single patch, no exceptions. One of my biggest pet peeves is applying an upgrade / update and finding out that a feature I used all the time is significantly different or removed. A single line saying "user interface improvements" is not acceptable.
No reboots is a given.
Appropriate escalation with vendor support for patching related problems. If a vendor deploys a patch, and starts to receive a flood of calls, PULL the patch. Don't pretend like nothing is wrong and act like I'm the only one having the problem when I call in. IT people know each other, and my first call was to my friend to see if he's having the same issue and knows of a work around.
Dollars for downtime. Percentage based return on my maintenance contract for every hour of downtime caused by a faulty patch.